I wish I could find words for the way I am feeling tonight. My head and heart are filled with so many contradictions its difficult to sort them out. This week has been about pushing limits. About using up every last drop of patience and entrance, then dipping deeper to find some more. When I imagine how I must look from the perspective of a single mom of more than one kid I have to snicker. Such a wimp. But I am in the steep part of the learning curve. I’m learning how to juggle with an extra ball, and how to keep up the act day and night. I am the star, the stunt double and the understudy. An amusing metaphor considering I decided I’m not going to try to bring two kids to rehearsal tomorrow night.
The hardest part for me right now is I want there to be something left at the end of the day. I want at least a vague awareness of current events, to have a discussion that doesn’t focus on pinball or shooting monsters, a thought that doesn’t pertain to the current status of my children. But since Ben left I haven’t managed a single sun salutation or picked up the guitar even once. I know if I had to keep doing this I would figure it out. I would find yet another reserve tank. I would count my blessings at six hours of sleep a night, with a half-hour missing inbetween.
But right now I just want to whine and feel sorry for myself. That’s all.
I can (almost) completely relate… Sometimes it’s just the will to survive that gets you through the daylight hours. The fact that your kids are moderately fed, clean and clothed are just a bonus. I’ve been doing a bang up impersonation of a beached whale on the couch lately, while poor Lauren is forced to run around and entertain herself by shredding kleenex, rummaging through the recycling bin or hiding her toys in various cupboards and drawers throughout the house… Having another parent around is something I try not to take for granted, but sometimes I am reminded of just how lucky I am to have a partner in this crazy, overwhelming, exhausting and often thankless role. You’re right, I think where you to be a single mother, you would rise to the occasion and deal with it. And, maybe after some initial struggling and adjustment, I think you’d soar! I agree with you about just wanting to vent sometimes, I am a world-class complainer sometimes, but I feel like sometimes I get glimpses of the future and the day when my kids move on to their own adventures…. I have to stop and be so thankful for the messy house, the cement-dried, crusty bibs, the PILES of dirty laundry; because I know it’s going to fly by in a flash, and I’ll be left reminiscing about my trials and tribulations as a new mom. Enjoy the ride, Mama. 🙂
Oh Jess, I seriously cannot even imagine how hard it must be to take care of the kids for five (!!!) days, and then he’s leaving again on Friday?! The end of the day is what gets me too, especially by myself, trying to get the kids to sleep and then once you do, all the cleaning is waiting, HOO-RAY!
Five days, I’d go bonkers.
Are you keeping a tally so you can have a two week vacation in a year or two? Because I would. (*steeples fingers together maniacally*).
Beth, doesn’t it feel like you’re 40 weeks pregnant, but you’ve still got a month+? I found it much, much harder the second time around. I had less energy and more was needed of me. UGH. Just a few more weeks tho! And then things will be so much… wait… 😉