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Archive for the ‘dreams’ Category

second chance

I had a dream about dad last night.  He was alive. In fact, he never died.  We were at a big celebration and performance, possibly involving Sam’s school, the kids were dressed up and dancing.  I got to see my dad and talk to him a little, but his seat wasn’t near mine.  Still, I kept my eye on him and yes, there he was.   I kept trying to understand how he was alive.  “Dad! I thought you were dead!”  I’d say to him.  “I know.  I thought so too.  But here I am!”  It was such a joyful time.

I remember feeling like we had a second chance.  “Don’t do the chemo!”  I was going to tell him.  And, I decided I would try to convince him to drink wheatgrass or do a raw food cleanse or give up meat wheat and dairy… anything to try to rebuild his immune system.  But as happy as I was in the dream, I couldn’t quite shake the image of him laying there dead in the hospital.  My mind wanted to believe, but it couldn’t forget.  The best I could do in my dream state was decide he actually WASN’T dead, and somehow he’d been cured after we left the hospital.  A stretch, I know, but, the mind can take giant leaps and ignore the obvious to find the results it wants.

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real blogs

I watched the movie Julie & Julia last night, and just now I spent a few moments checking out her blog.  Pretty amazing, this blogging thing, really.  If you can write, have a good idea and a bit of dedication you can make yourself heard.  Maybe even famous.  I couldn’t help but check my blog stats for this site and noticed how less people read what I write with each passing year.  Which is fine, I don’t have a topic and I don’t advertise.  Truth be told what I write here is mostly for me (and anyone who cares enough about me to read my pointless ramblings.)  But I do love the idea of someday keeping a blog with a purpose.  My friends just started a blog a few months ago called Growing up Gamers and it’s all about games and gaming with their kids.  The whole family writes posts, except the 2-year-old but he makes his appearance in other ways.  And gamers they are, the most experienced and dedicated that I know.  Their blog is off to a great start, I hope it continues and grows and people write lots of comments.

Years ago when I kept a blog that actually had a few readers I used to be a bit of a comment junkie.  It sure is nice when people take the time to write a sentence or two about what you’ve posted.  On the other hand, I rarely comment on the blogs I read so I understand why most people don’t.  Especially if it’s a blog that has a following!  Someday maybe I will have a real blog and maybe if I continue to ramble on here now and then I will still know how to form sentences when that time arrives.  I have a couple of ideas.

One is if I ever really get working on a restoration project, it’d be fun to document it with words and photographs.  In theory if I had any success I might be adding to the collective knowledge of how to remove invasive plants, establish natives and hopefully recreate wildlife habitat.

Another would be to write about celebrating the seasons and nature with my kids.   In my imagination I will raise my kids with the pagan spirit- they will know about the equinoxes and solstices, notice when the moon is full and new, and have a deep connection with nature.  So far we have a spattering of exposure, mostly in the form of camping trips, day hikes, and a few impromptu rituals without any solid family traditions.

Anyway it would be good to start some type of project.  I am suffering from a bit of baby blues lately, as much as I love my kids, I feel a little lost.  It isn’t that Professional Barf Rag isn’t a glamorous and challenging occupation, just… what else am I?  I think I might be capable of more, but most days I feel like I’m just surviving.  I fluctuate between feeling like super mom when for a moment the laundry is done, the toddler just ate three vegetables and protein for lunch, and the baby is happily munching the boob while Sam and I do math problems on the couch.  Then, a couple hours later, I am an utter failure.  The baby is fussy and I can’t get her to sleep, the toddler is once again on the computer and ignoring my requests to get off, and somehow there is already another full load of laundry.   And once again I have no idea what to make for dinner.

It would be nice to have something in my life that challenged me in a different way than being a mom does.  It would be nice to do something that stays done.  To put a little creative energy into something more tangible than getting the toddler motivated to put his pants back on.

The Julie & Julia movie encouraged me because it is about two people who stumble upon their purpose later in life.  I have put some faith in the notion that if I dedicate these years to my kids it will not mean MOM is all I’ll ever be.  Sometimes it’s hard to keep the faith.

It’s feels good to write, even if no one ever reads a word of it.

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a dream and a tooth

Last night was filled with dreams. Whirlling, swirlling, dreams of now, dreams of past, dreams of what may come. At one point I was back at college, with the usual band of suspects from the physics department. Karlo, Justin, Kirstin, Kate, Melis, Ben, Me. Except we were all back to take one last Quantum Mechanics course that none of us had managed to complete our first time through. Only catch, now Kate was the teacher and the rest of us sat in little school desks trying to remember mathematics. Well, I can’t speak for the others, I’d assume the phd bound ones weren’t worried but I was looking at an integral thinking, “I knew how to solve this once…”

Then there were dreams of circle. Joann and her overflowing energy, Alaine, and the others. I remember some purple rocks. We were doing magic and it was beautiful.

Amazing really that I recall these dreams at all, such disjointed sleep it was. He had a tough night last night, little Sam. But there is cause! A tooth! At long last! I was starting to think I had given birth to the amazing toothless baby. He’s been brushing his “teeth” since three and half months and is actually getting pretty good at it. I thought it would be fitting of the great ironies of this world if the master toothbrusher never got any actual teeth. But, I reached in and touched his lower gums last night and I can definitely feel something hard and rough.

I feel it on the boob, too.  He wouldn’t settle last night at 3am, even after some milk, so I brought him into our bed.  He was fine then, though wiggly, as long as he was touching me.  At first we snugged close, him tucked under my arm.  Soon I realized I would never sleep that way, got my arm back and rolled onto my stomach.  He was content there, between Ben and I, but if ever we lost contact he would reach out to make sure I was still close.

It is overcast today but still the moon is waxing, almost full, and I can feel the energy swelling around me. There is one bit of nagging discontent; a friendship on pause with unknown cause. But I don’t understand why, and having asked, I guess I’ll let go and wait. And otherwise all I feel is hope and excitement and there’s still a cup of coffee left in the pot! 😉

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hit delete

I have nothing to write about but somehow in my current state of exhaustion the sound of my fingers clicking at the keyboard is quite relaxing. The way words form as if by magic on the screen simply by finding focus in my mind. I have been trying to write, like, with a pencil and paper lately just to make sure I remember how. I do. It’s just takes more effort and the result is less legible.

We just watched the latest in the die hard movies. I always get a kick out of Bruce Willis blowing stuff up. The movie is of course silly and unrealistic but the whole premise of taking down the united states by hacking all the computer systems is kinda fun to think about. We are becoming more and more reliant on technology. It seems unlikely a single group could get control of so many systems, but it’s an interesting thought experiment to ponder what would happen if we suddenly lost all our computers and cell phones. Even if we say basic services, like electricity and water were in tack, what would we lose?

So let’s imagine that tonight, at midnight (we’ve got 11 minutes) suddenly and without warning all computers, cell phones, and other network-based technologies suddenly vanish without a trace. If you still have your land-line you can still make a call if it can be routed without a computer. But when the computers vanish so does everything that was used to make them and all written information that mentions them. Just like they never existed, except, in our minds. Collectively we should have the knowledge to reinvent them, but, we have to start from scratch. In the mean time….

Would hospitals work? Grocery stores? Banks? Could we switch to a cash economy if we couldn’t use our credit cards? I bet banks would be screwed unless somehow they keep paper back-ups of everything which seems unlikely. Would they have enough cash even if they could manually access accounts? Would the financial markets simply no longer exist?

I bet low-tech businesses would fare the best. You might be able to barter at the farmers market. But they wouldn’t have nearly enough food. Cars would work, at least the old ones. But could you get gas? I was thinking we we still have electricity for heat but now I’m starting to wonder if that is possible without the computer systems that run the utilities. In theory it should be, but it might take a while to implement a low tech system. In the mean time we could use an axe to cut down a tree and start a fire.

Oh look it’s 12:07 and my computer still exists. Not only does it still exist, but it’s still on, and I’m still putting pointless ramblings into the internet for no good reason except… I can. How different the world is today then it was even when I grew up. How seamlessly we have adapted to the convinces of technology. Could we go back?

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